Another transgender suicide, another flurry of activity in social media, another family destroyed. So very sad. So absolutely unnecessary.
Born Joshua Ryan Alcorn, to self-professed Christian parents, in Ohio, Leelah was a girl. "Huh?" ask the doubters, the nay-sayers, the uninformed, the rigid of mind. HE had a penis, therefore HE was a boy. Well, the insides and the outsides don't always match, and NO, she was a girl.
So, when Josh was old enough to understand herself, Josh (the boy) essentially died, and was reborn as Leelah, the girl. The trans-girl. The girl. Her parents didn't accept this, and didn't accept her. To the time of her death and beyond, they were unwilling (or maybe just unable) to understand and participate in her transition. Her mom posted on social media about how much they loved their son, who has now gone to heaven. Leelah's second death, this one final and unnecessary.
In her widely-publicized suicide note, Leelah addressed the many factors she felt brought her to her untimely demise...society, her parents' refusal to accept her, the detrimental "therapy" proffered by highly judgmental "Christian counselors," who could only (mis)quote scripture and point out the error of her (um, for them...his) ways. So very sad. So very frightening. She wrote that for her death to not be in vain, change would have to occur for other trans-people (particularly youth), which would give meaning to her life and her death. As a psychologist and psychoanalyst, as a mom, as a human...I deeply disagree with her action, while my heart breaks for the pain which contributed to bringing her to that point.
Ah...the folly of youth. I am scared about the impact of her death; society will not change because of one (or a hundred or a thousand or a million) suicides...other disenfranchised people, including trans-youth, may take a similar stand... choosing to kill themselves rather than staying and fighting...fighting for help, for understanding, for political and cultural change. Sadly, I believe that Leelah left before the game had even begun. Just shy of her 18th birthday (when she could have legally begun medical transition), she will miss out on her life and how much it could have meant and how good it could have been. She won't marry, raise kids, go to college, have pets, have another birthday or holiday, show her parents and their hypocritical little world her true value as a PERSON...not a man or woman...A PERSON. She left in pain, having missed out on joy.
Truth...there are probably times when most people feel that death would be preferable to their current life situations. But...we don't ever need to take that irrevocable step. Things change as long as we're here to see them, to experience them, to make them happen. Pain is an inevitable part of life; it gives us strength, it generates anger (and even rage), it brings us down and makes us humble and even dependent...it juxtaposes joy, and give us the incentive to fight and to change, to make improvements for ourselves and others.
Here's the part people may not want to read or consider...Leelah was not a hero and should not be a role model for anyone. I never met her, so I choose not to speculate on diagnostic issues. That being said, it isn't wildly risky to infer a certain degree of both depression and character pathology (both of which, may I add, respond beautifully, meaningfully and in an enduring way) to professional psychotherapy and/or medication). She had far from exhausted all roads to improvement; suicide was the wrong choice. Further, having chosen death, sadly, her method caused an innocent driver to now have to live with the knowledge of having taken a life. Forever. There are two too many "forevers" in this sad and unnecessary tale.
Leelah's suicide makes me angry. It also makes me sad. And fearful. The anger...no one was able to offer her even a crumb of hope. She was young and wounded, and she felt alone. All the support offered through social media wasn't enough to sustain her, to show her alternatives. She was a victim of a world that she didn't believe would ever "get" her. Her death was no one's fault. It was her choice, a choice I believe she should not have made...a choice I believe no one ever has to make. People are screaming that her parents should be charged with murder; I don't agree. I think they, too, are victims. They are hurt and damaged, too. They lost their child. The sadness...a young person, choosing to take her life rather than continue to feel what she (mistakenly) believed was permanent pain is a tremendous loss. No other factors about Leelah play into this feeling...the fact of her being a trans-youth is irrelevant to the sadness. Death is inevitable; suicide never needs to happen. The fear...oh, the fear. The take-away message has to be that death cannot and should not be glorified, suicide cannot and should not be considered a socio-politico-cultural action...it is an act of desperation, of rage, of f**k you to everyone and everything, of abject hopelessness which never needs to exist. I fear for those who think this was in any way a good choice. Our lives are not entirely our own...we belong to ourselves, our families, our friends, our communities, and, for those who believe, to G-d. At nearly every junction, someone, somewhere can help show alternatives and hope.
If you know someone who needs help, if you are someone who needs help...make the call and
make the changes. A permanent "solution" to a temporary problem is no solution at all. Why miss out on the good stuff...
Long Island Crisis Center: LongIslandCrisisCenter.org 800.826.0244
The Trevor Project: TheTrevorProject.org 866.488.7386
